


I can't lose you

by Livesinbooks



Series: Season 04 Episode 18 Fix-it [2]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Kiss, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Barry Allen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 03:50:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14370291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livesinbooks/pseuds/Livesinbooks
Summary: Barry's POV of "You're stronger than him"





	I can't lose you

**Author's Note:**

> As requested by UpsideInside, Barry's Point of view

“Ralph! Just... fight it, alright? Fight it! I’ll save you.”  
“You already did, Barry. “  
“No... No... No!”

 

Barry couldn’t sleep that night. He turned in his bed and tossed the blanket to the floor multiple times.

He had told Ralph not to kill DeVoe. And while that should've been the right thing to do, it got Ralph killed.

Barry felt so guilty.

This was his fault. Ralph had died because of him.

 

Everyone was quiet the next day in the cortex. Cisco seemed to be working on something at one of the computers and Iris stared at a monitor as well.

Caitlin was shoving medical supplies back and forth on her desk and Harry wasn’t even here.

Barry was pacing around. He was completely exhausted, but his mind wouldn’t stop for even a minute.

_My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault._

Eventually he snapped and flashed into the suit.

“I’ll go for a run,” was his only goodbye and then he was running as fast as possible.

 

At first Barry only went through the city without a particular destination.

Then he changed directions and ran to a place where he could at least clear his thoughts.

 

“Hey mom, hey dad,” Barry greeted quietly as he sat down in front of the tombstones.

“I fucked up again. And this time not even by changing the timeline. This time simply because I couldn’t protect my friend. I wasn’t fast enough.”

Barry thought back to when Zoom had killed his father. He hadn’t been fast enough then either.

“Will I always lose people close to me just because I’m too slow?”, he whispered, eyes burning. “That would be pretty pathetic. I’m the fastest man alive after all. But not even fast enough to help you. Or Ralph.”

He wiped over his eyes and took a deep breath. Then he quietly told his parents everything. And even though he didn’t get any reply, it felt good to just say it all aloud.

He told his dad about prison and how Ralph got him out of there again.

He told his mom how he'd tried to be a good friend to Ralph and how much he had started to like him.

When he told them about how Ralph had died he could barely even talk properly anymore because of the tears overwhelming him.

 

This night he did sleep. But he dreamed of Ralph dying again. Over and over again until Barry finally woke up and decided not to sleep again for tonight.

Instead he already went to Star Labs and checked everything for a hint what DeVoe's final plan might be.

 

Another pocket dimension opened two days later and Barry and Cisco went there to confront DeVoe again, sonic scepter ready.

But Barry froze when he saw Ralph's face even though he knew it wasn’t him anymore. But his hesitation lasted long enough for DeVoe to lash out with a sonic wave and send Barry flying against the next wall.

Cisco tried to help him, but DeVoe used his telepathic powers to make Cisco fall to the ground in pain. Then he got up from his chair and smiled at Barry. It made his stomach churn.

“Stop it, DeVoe! Leave him alone! Please!”

Barry's voice was pained. Seeing DeVoe with Ralph's face hurt and hearing Cisco in pain hurt even more.

Suddenly Cisco stopped whimpering with pain and DeVoe's face turned confused.

Barry watched him closely and for a second he was absolutely certain that this was Ralph and not DeVoe.

Then the face of the man in front of them grimaced, he seemed to be in agony all of a sudden.

And finally the body fell to the ground and stopped moving. The eyes were closed, but the face stayed concentrated and pained.

“Ralph?”, Barry asked carefully, hope filling his whole body. “Ralph, are you there?”

“Barry, we gotta go before he wakes up again,” Cisco urged him.

Barry hesitated, but Cisco opened a breach and pulled the speedster with him.

 

The next days Barry couldn’t stop thinking about the encounter. He was so sure about this.

But Barry and Cisco dismissed his hopeful theories that Ralph was still in there, fighting DeVoe.

“He’s too weak,” was Harry's argument.

“None of the others managed to fight him,” was Cisco's. 

Iris and Caitlin just gave him sad looks.

But Barry didn’t give up. He wasn’t as smart as Cisco or Harry, but he wasn’t stupid either. So he tried to come up with a way to prove that Ralph was still there.

 

The next time Barry and Cisco faced DeVoe, his hopes were crushed. That wasn’t Ralph who sent Cisco flying away and knocked him out.

And that wasn’t Ralph who threw miniature versions of things at him only to regrow them in the air.

DeVoe wasn’t trying to kill them. He just played around with them until he could finish his plan. Barry was sure about this.

A car hit him and he felt a bone in his leg break. Then DeVoe threw a harpoon and it pierced the same leg. Barry bit down on his lip and phased it out of his leg.

He was bleeding badly and pressed a hand onto he wound.

“Barry!”, Cisco called weakly from the side where he was slowly waking up again.

“Barry,” DeVoe choked out and Barry was taken aback. But he had to stay strong.

“Stop it, DeVoe!”, the speedster hissed. “I know he’s gone. You killed him!”

“Barry, it’s me! I’m still here!”, DeVoe replied and Barry forgot about the pain in his leg for a moment because it was overshadowed by the pain in his heart.

It sounded so much like Ralph...

“I said stop it! I’m not listening to you!”, he cried out, trying to stay strong.

DeVoe looked sad then and it killed Barry inside to see that look on Ralph’s face.

“Run, Barry. Run,” DeVoe told him then and punched himself in the face.

Barry's eyes widened and the moment DeVoe hit the body he was sure again.

“Ralph!”

Barry got up, groaning in pain. “Ralph! Cisco, it’s Ralph! He’s still there, I just know it.”

Cisco stepped to him slowly, eyes on Ralph's unconscious body.

“Yeah, that was weird if that wasn’t Ralph. But we can’t take him back with us, it’s too dangerous. We gotta come up with a plan first.”

Barry reluctantly agreed and followed Cisco through his breach. Back at the Lab Caitlin stitched up his leg while Cisco told the others what had happened.

“We still have to make sure it’s him,” Harry said after Cisco was finished talking.

“I know,” Barry mumbled.

 

“We've got a mail from Ralph!”

It was three days after the last time they had been confronted with DeVoe and realised it might really be Ralph.

Cisco was sitting in the cortex at one of the computers and had an email open on the screen.

Barry flashed inside the cortex as he heard the call from Cisco where he’d been talking to Iris on the hallway.

The woman followed slower and Caitlin joined them from her own desk. She was still trying to find a way to get Killer Frost back. She didn’t want to accept that DeVoe took her from her.

“An e-mail? How could he safely write us an e-mail?”, Iris asked suspiciously.

Barry leaned over Cisco’s shoulder and read the mail in superspeed.

He stumbled back after finishing and grabbed Iris for support.

“What is he writing?”, Caitlin asked.

“He’s describing how this developed. At first he on my heard voices, then he could move and talk as well.”

Cisco was making notes.

“He-"

Barry doesn’t like the next part.

“He tried to kill himself to get rid of DeVoe, but nothing works. He wants us to make the Trickter's acid because that could hurt him. He’s also not sure if DeVoe is keeping him in his mind intentionally, so we have to be careful.”

“Doesn’t sound like something DeVoe would write,” Iris slowly said.

Caitlin nodded. “I agree. But we still have to be careful. Maybe it’s all part of his plan.”

 

It was Cisco's idea to vibe Ralph and Harry calculated when he would be in control again. So three nights later they were all in the cortex and Barry handed Cisco Ralph's jacket.

“Ralph? Ralph?”

Barry watched anxiously.

“Is that you?”

Oh god, he was awake.

“Don’t say anything or you might wake her up. Harry said you’d wake up again tonight. Don’t ask how he knows. He calculated it. I’m vibing you right now, not DeVoe, so I decided to call your name when you started moving,“ Cisco kept talking.

That had to mean that Ralph was there.

Barry stepped closer to Cisco.

“DeVoe could see me when I vibed him once. I thought, well, you're kind of him now, so you should be able to do it too. And it obviously works. This isn’t the safest way of course, so I can’t talk to you about any progress we made, but...”

“Let me talk to him, please,” Barry interrupted Cisco and he looked at him. Then he lowered his hand and nodded.

“Alright, come here.”

He put a hand on Barry’s shoulder and vibed Ralph again.

“You gotta hold on, Ralph, okay? I promise you that we'll find a way to save you. You don’t have to die. We'll separate you. Just hold on.”

Ralph smiled lightly at Barry and nodded. Then his face turned worried and he waved for them to leave.

Barry opened his mouth to say something, but he didn’t know what, so he nodded at Cisco who stopped vibing.

“We gotta find a way to save him,” Barry said after turning back to the others.

 

Barry annoyed the others until they agreed to let him talk to Ralph.

Harry calculated the next time he'd be awake and Cisco vibed him while Barry waited in front of the DeVoe house.

Some feet away in the dark there was Harry, pointing a gun, ready to shoot if it wasn’t Ralph.

On the other side there was Iris with the Sonic Scepter, also ready to strike. 

But Barry forgot about them when Ralph exited the house.

The speedster stepped out of the dark and watched him.

He was ready to test if this was Ralph or not.

“Why do you always make jokes even in serious situations?”

Ralph blinked at him and Barry held his breath.

“I already told you that, Barry. It’s because of my mom after my dad left us.”

Barry smiled relieved. It was Ralph. “It’s really you. You survived.”

Barry couldn’t help it. He was too relieved and helpless at the same time, so he screwed the safety rules the others gave him and pulled Ralph into a tight hug.

He was so glad when the other hugged him back.

“I thought you were dead,” Barry whispered.

“I thought I was dying too. Somehow I didn't.”

“You’re stronger than him.” Barry tightened his grip around him. He didn’t want to let him go again. He couldn’t lose him to DeVoe again.

But he had to reassure Ralph. Only Ralph could save himself.

“You can beat him. Cisco and Harry think you can kick him out of your mind again with your thoughts and will. You just have to concentrate and focus.”

Ralph shook his head. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t do that.”

He sounded scared and it broke Barry’s heart.

He stroked over Ralph’s back. “Yes you can. We all believe in you. You’re the only one who managed to take control again, even if just for a few minutes. You can do it.”

Barry closed his eyes when Ralph went rigid in his arms.

“No, he’s waking up,” he whispered. “I don’t wanna go yet. Please come back.”

Barry leaned back a bit to look into Ralph's eyes. “I’ll come back, I promise. Hold on, okay?” _I can’t lose you._

Ralph nodded shaking and Barry flashed him into the house on the chair. He stayed in the superspeed for a little longer and just looked at Ralph.

He had to see him again. He had to succeed. Barry needed him. So much more than he could ever imagine.

Then Barry ran back to Star Labs and felt like he left his heart behind.

 

The second time they met went similar. Ralph didn’t make much progress.

But something changed at the third meeting.

Ralph was the one hugging him after clarifying it was him and shortly talking about his progress or lack of it.

Barry smiled sadly and rubbed his back softly. “I got you.”

He just didn’t know how to help him. Ralph had to do this alone, but how?  
This time when it was time to part, Ralph stopped Barry from flashing him inside.  
“Wait. I gotta do something before it’s too late to do so.”

He leaned in and kissed Barry. 

And Barry had not expected this at all. But he wouldn’t complain because it was perfect and exactly what he wanted to do for weeks.

So he didn’t hesitate for a moment and kissed Ralph back softly.

After they parted again, Barry didn’t risk more time and instead flashed Ralph back to the seat. Then he left, feeling the tingle of Ralph’s lips on his for the rest of the week.

 

It was Harry who found Ralph asleep in the cortex six days later. He called the others, never lifting his gun away from Ralph’s head.

Barry wanted to get to him, so Iris and Caitlin held him back.

“We gotta be sure it’s him. The chair is in the hallway,” Iris said softly.

Then Ralph stirred awake and Barry tensed.

“DeVoe,“ Harry said calmly and Barry rolled his eyes. Such a drama queen.

Ralph looked up at Harry and shook his head.

“Not DeVoe.”

He grinned lightly.

Barry’s heart skipped a beat. He was sure. It was Ralph. It had to be him.

“Ralph?”, he asked carefully and the other man turned his eyes towards him.

“Barry,” Ralph choked out. “I did it. I escaped.”

Barry shook the women off of him and stepped closer. It was Ralph. It had to be. He thought of a question to ask him and remembered something.

“What did I say to you in your office on one of the early days?”

“Not sure which one of the talks we had there it is that you mean, but you for example said you’ll make it your personal mission to protect my heart.”

It’s Ralph.

Barry flashed forward and hugged Ralph tightly. “You really did it?”  
“I really did it.”  
This time Barry kissed him first.

Harry huffed. “How do I deserve this?”

Barry ignored him and buried his face at Ralph’s neck after pulling away from the kiss again.

“I’m so sorry. This was all my fault.”

Ralph shook his head, holding Barry tightly. “You’re wrong, it wasn’t.”

**Author's Note:**

> A third part of this will probably follow, dealing with the aftermath of being trapped in his own mind, as suggested by Electrickittenshark


End file.
